Crap, crap and more crap

The funk is back. Lately I've been thinking about how much of my life revolves around crap. Changing crappy diapers. Cleaning crappy litterboxes. Last weekend, cleaning up crappy water when the septic backed up. Crap, crap, and more crap. Which puts me in a funk.

Then, I just finished taking a bath and reading a book while The Man made dinner and gave me an evening off from The Boy. It was just what I needed. Not only do my legs no longer look like a monkeys, I was able to finish the book I've been reading the past few nights: "The 100 Thing Challenge" by Dave Bruno. There were some very interesting concepts in the book, and while I will not be challenging myself to get down to 100 personal items, I will be challenging myself to purging the crap out of my house. Not just the literal crap, but the stuff that is smothering me. The piles of crap on the counters that make it a pain in the ass to cook dinner, because you have to move piles to make room for the cutting board to even start making dinner. The crap that is in the hallway, making it hard to get through. The crap in the closet that I still haven't gone through, even though I started in January cleaning it out (and I did get rid of a whole bunch, I just never finished the project). It's just a bunch of crap that is weighing me down.

I want to simplify. I want to have room to breathe in my house. I want to be able to clean and have it not take hours and hours because I have to move everything first. I want to feel like my home is a sanctuary, and not just a storage unit for crap. I want to have time to do the creative things that make me happy, knitting, or making cards, or sewing, or whatever moves me at that moment. I want to be able to be me. So I am going to do it. I am going to challenge myself to make this place, this house where I spend nearly 23 hours a day, a place where I am happy to be.

There was one discussion in the book about his model trains and how he purged them because he realized he was trying to fix something in the past which of course, since it's in the past, could never be fixed. And by letting them go, he was able to move forward. I know there is a connection between all of my craft projects, all of the started and not finished projects, that ties to my past. I am not quite sure exactly what that is, and I will be thinking about it as I go through this process. I know that my craftiness is a tie to my mother, and that it is something we have in common and can do together, and did do together growing up. I wonder if the crafters ADD that I have is tied to that relationship, and that now that I am a mother, the relationship with my mother is deeper and more meaningful than it ever has been in the past. And I wonder if I can get rid of some of the craft stuff that is not meaningful to me any more. The soap stuff that I made literally a decade ago and will probably never make again. It's just taking up space, and weighing me down.

The things that I love to do, at this point in time is the knitting really, it's things that I never really did with my mom. Knitting is something that has come later, starting in high school but really being there through the "growing up" period of college and beyond, and then really helping me bond with some fantastic ladies at the knitting group I started going to when I started working at home. Knitting is mine. Knitting is really relaxing and enjoyable to me. So by getting rid of the crap, I will have more time to knit. More time that is not guilt ridden because I know I should be cleaning up something, or putting crap away. I can instead sit, knit, and enjoy myself.

That's my goal. No more crap. That's probably a better theme for this year than "simplify" - it fits me better. Although I need to quit swearing so much, The Boy will be talking soon. And I don't want his first sentence to be full of crap.

It might be rubbing off on me

Last night, I got the giggles hard. The Man and I were laughing as the cat was playing with a hotwheels car on the bathroom floor. It would have been more funny if we weren't so tired, but we started making up dialog for the cat. And I was laughing so hard I was crying.

After we could breathe again, he said something that really made me smile. He said that although I was stressed and overwhelmed and things were busy for me now that we had The Boy, he thought that we were also happier. That we laughed more. That we smiled more. And it's true. I do laugh several times each day. When The Boy comes and tickles my feet through my shoes. When The Boy tells himself jokes that I wish I knew what he was saying. It all makes me laugh. So although all the day to day grind stuff does get me down, I am a happy person. I just need to make the outside match the inside.

Tonight I started cleaning out my closet. I have bags and bags of stuff to get rid of. I find myself hanging on to things that would look good together. But I'm really trying to let that go. I am keeping some suits and work clothes, but for the most part, it's gone. I am also paring down my shoes. I used to wear different shoes every day at work and had them all matching my outfits. Everyone would comment on my shoes. Now, I wear flip flops or shoes that can hold my orthodic inserts. I really don't need 40 paires of mules in every color and pattern. Although they do make me smile, some of them just plain hurt my feet. And having them all crammed in the closet does not make me happy. I want order. I want open space. I want room to grow. So I am decluttering. And I am proud of myself. I get a gold star today.

Ending as I mean to go on

It is New Years Eve. I am feeling content actually, for the first time in quite a while. The kitchen is clean and the sink shined, the counters you can actually see, the kitchen table is cleared. The floors are clean, the house is vacuumed, the laundry is caught up and so are the dishes. The family room is picked up. I busted ass all day to get it there, but there it is. I even sat and knit for a few hours tonight while catching up on some shows.

I am ending this year as I mean to go on.

I have joined the Happiness Project's group thingo and the newsletter. I really do want to seek happiness. I know that I am a better mom when I am happy. I know that I am a better wife when I am happy. I know that I am a better friend when I am happy. I know that I am a better person when I am happy. I know that I am nicer to myself when I am happy. So this year, 2011, I am striving to be happy. No promises to do something every day, but just the attempt to choose happiness whenever possible.

The word for 2011 is

simplify

I am cleaning out cupboards and closets and purging. It started with the craft room a few months ago, and I am proud that not only can I walk in there, I can find things that I want to work on. I will strive to keep it that way, and to keep the creativity flowing. I am happy when I am creating. I am happy making things, when my hands are busy. I will strive to include creative things in my daily life more, and not to get so overwhelmed and bogged down in the day to day grind. Even 15 minutes a day of knitting or sewing or whatever will boost my mood. So I need to make it a priority to take the time.

And having a clutter free area makes me breathe easier. It makes me feel lighter. So I need to maintain this feeling of contentment. And simplify. And enjoy life.

Funkatude

Today's horoscope hit me right in the gut:

Your appetite for the good things in life could compel you to get a hold of more than you need today. It might be that your need for material things is a physical substitute for a lack of satisfaction with the ways things are going in your life. Learning to find fulfillment in yourself and your life as it is in the present could help you fill any sense of emptiness you may have.

Pow. As I sit here, in my kitchen, with stuff on every surface to where you can't even see the kitchen island, and a living room that just has stuff everywhere (some of it is my pile to bring up to the cabin, but still), and a craft room that could be on Hoarders, this horoscope is me.

I don't know how to describe it, nor really what is wrong. But it is just this general feeling of funk. Of seeing the piles of crap and knowing that I should pick them up, that I would feel better if my space "rose up to greet me" like Oprah says, but then just going and sitting and watching some TV instead. I've finished my knitting projects, so nothing is on the needles. So I just sit and watch crap TV. It's not me. It's a deep funk. I need to kick my ass out of it, but I'm not sure what will do it. Maybe just this horoscope, if I keep thinking that all these little things are good things, maybe I can control my life instead of the stuff controlling me.

Like how The Boy eats cheerios with such gusto, and if I get close enough, he'll share and giggle when I crunch up a cheerio.

Like how the little puppy toy on a string can make The Boy giggle uncontrollably if he thinks the puppy is chasing him.

Like how he'll run over to me for no reason, hug my knees, then run back to his trucks.

The days are long, but the years are short. So I need to get defunkafied now, so I don't miss them.

Cutting Squares... Again

I just spent way too much time cutting out 200 4" squares out of fabric for an I-spy swap. Why? Because I needed one more thing on my To Do list.

I did a swap a few months ago and got some pretty awesome squares. And I want to make a quilt for The Boy, I can see us sitting on the banks of a river while The Man fishes and we play I spy. I can see us driving up to the mountains and he has his I spy quilt in his lap. Of course, I have to sew it first.

But, I wanted to do another swap to keep gathering cool fabrics. Because I am a craft collector. Hoarder. Craft ADD runs thick in my blood. But, this swap is done, I will mail it tomorrow and fulfill my obligation. Then, I will have 400+ 4" squares of different fabrics to make an I spy quilt for The Boy. And the cousin, because really, why make one quilt when you can make two?

My craft room is full of projects that I was totally in love with or found the materials cheap on clearance. I would like to think that eventually I will finish them all, but then what? I'll have to start up something new. But, I could honestly craft all day and all night for years and not make a dent in that room. It is sad. It does not make me happy. Being able to know that I will be able to do craft projects with The Boy and have everything I need literally in my craft store in my home, that makes me happy. But I cannot walk in there. I cannot find anything I need. Therefore, I cannot craft. And that makes me sad. But just looking in that room is overwhelming. To the point of me wanting to hang curtains on the nice french doors, so I don't have to be reminded daily of my empty promises. But, I don't - for that reason. To have it in my face daily. To remind me that I want to do better. I love doing craft projects, that will never stop. It is my therapy, my way to detach my mind and do something with my hands and have something beautiful come out of it. I am damn proud of my Christmas cards, when people tell me they are in their decoration box or still on their fridge a year later - that makes me happy. So I will never stop crafting. But I want to organize and be able to actually do it. Finish something. So I'm going to start with this quilt. As soon as I get my swap squares, I'm going to start that quilt. And finish it. Before The Boy is too old to enjoy it.

Buying Happiness

In the spirit of not beating myself up for not keeping up with posting on the blog, I'm not going to dwell on it. I'm just going to move on with it. But, it has been busy. Trip to visit the in-laws, The Boy was sick with a mid-grade fever, but it was the hottest he'd ever been, causing severe worry and all that stuff that comes with being a mommy. Then, he was feeling better so then we headed up to the mountains. And really, that's when things went into bizarro parallel universe world.

We have always been outdoorsy people to an extent. I don't mind camping, as long as I have a hammock or chair and a place to sleep off of the ground. I enjoy fishing until I've had my fill, and then I'll happily sit on the bank and listen to the river or read a book. I enjoy going for walks around the neighborhood and looking at the wildlife ("Look, a bunny rabbit!"). Growing up, we went camping pretty much every weekend. Camping in a pop up trailer was as much of a compromise as my mom would do for camping. No tents here. I would love to start camping with my family and let The Boy grow up with the same experiences. But, working full time, watching The Boy full time, trying to craft, trying to read, trying to keep my sanity - packing for weekly camping trips would probably push me over that thin line to insanity. Thus comes the parallel universe.

About a year ago, close friends of ours bought a cabin in the woods. Didn't think much of it at the time, as I was busy preparing for pushing out a kid. Fast forward to about a month ago. We decide, on a whim, to drive up there on a Saturday, fish and hang out at the "cabin" - and when we saw this gorgeous house in the woods with privacy and only 90 minutes away? The "I want one" kicked in. We started looking around the neighborhood up there. We started looking at the MLS. We started crunching numbers. We started realizing that hey, it's not out of the realm of possibility. Fast forward to last Saturday, whereby we go with a realtor to look at 11 properties in one day. Fast forward to this morning, whereby we put in an offer on a cabin that needs some love, but is on 5 acres of beautifully wooded aspens, needs a little love upstairs but nothing major, and if we complete the finishing work in the basement, would be our retirement home. And, while I am nervous about having two homes and the mortgage and responsibilities that goes with both homes, and while the concept of quitting work to be a stay home mom is out the window - I am giddy with the thought of having a cabin. In the woods. To escape. To have fully stocked and available for the on a whim weekends to pop up there. To leave on a Friday afternoon and be up in the glorious mountains before dark. To have a stress free, fresh air, relaxing weekend. To have a place where The Boy can build forts and play with sticks and dirt and have his boy friends up there to explore and enjoy. To be 15 minutes away from fantastic fishing water. To explore. To force us to leave the damn house and do something. To enjoy life. To enjoy how hard we have worked to get to where we are. To be able to do this. I am giddy.

And yet, there is this nagging feeling in my head, like it's too much. We are too fortunate. There are just a handful of people who know this is happening. That we are (hopefully) buying a cabin in the woods. That the phrase "We're going up to the cabin this weekend" will be frequently uttered, which makes me feel like a New Yorker going to the Hamptons, but way better. We have friends who are living paycheck to paycheck. We have friends that will be totally jealous of this, and we may lose touch with some of them over this. And if that's the case, they aren't the forever friends. But because of this, we are playing it close to the vest. And that makes me a little sad. I want to be happy, show happiness, enjoy my happiness, and not care about what other people think. I know that this cabin will be fabulous for my family, both the three of us and the more extended family. Where cousins and brothers and friends will come visit us, for a week in the cabin close to skiing or to enjoy the great outdoors by biking and fishing. Are we buying friends? Are we buying happiness? Hells yes. But what else is the paycheck for?

"It's good to be just plain happy,
it's a little better to know that you're happy;
but to understand that you're happy and
to know why and how and still be happy,
be happy in the being and the knowing,
well that is beyond happiness,
that is bliss."
- Henry Miller

Another great quote from t does wool.