Clean = Happy

The cleaning ladies are here right now, cleaning upstairs. I can hear them banging on the blinds, and the smell of disinfectant is making me happy. Part of me feels like a failure as a wife, mother, woman but the other part of me is so overjoyed that it is dancing on that other part. Just because I don't enjoy dusting blinds and cleaning windows doesn't make me less of a woman. I would rather pay someone to come and clean and let me spend time focusing on my job or my son.

I am also hoping that having the house clean will motivate me to keep it this way. I ran around like a crazy person tidying and picking up and throwing stuff away before the cleaning ladies came. Part of it is the not wanting someone to see my house as bad as it gets. Part of it is wanting to not look bad in another woman's eyes. But that part of me is stupid. I need to keep the house clean for us. For my family. Not for someone else. We deserve it. We're good enough for a clean house. If I just tidy up every night and clean up after myself and put stuff away, it should stay clean. And if I have this cleaning crew come back every few weeks to do a deep clean, it should stay beautiful. That's the plan at least.

Three things

I saw this quote on a blog I like to read:

"You [I] have control over three things –
what you [I] think
what you [I] say,
and how you [I] behave.
To make a change in your [my] life,
you [I] must recognize that these gifts
are the most powerful tools you [I] possess
in shaping the form of your [my] life."
— Sonya Friedman

It is a powerful quote, and of course, so true. This weekend I was proud of myself, it was Father's Day weekend so we did what The Man wanted to do. We went 4x4ing, fishing, to his friend's BBQ, grilled some steaks, and he played video games. And while I sometimes get very jealous that it seems like we always do what he wants to do, when I actually let myself relax and enjoy it, it was a very nice weekend. The drive, while offroading always makes me a tad nervous, was gorgeous and the weather was nice and The Boy seemed to enjoy it as well. And playing in the grass while The Man fished was fun, watching The Boy try to navigate the uneven ground and keep his balance while toddling around - it reminds me that these days are short. It seems like just yesterday he was learning how to crawl. And now he's walking, almost jogging, around the house. I need to remember to slow down. I can think about all the things on my to do list, or I can choose to think about what memories we are creating. I can choose to say mean things about how we do what The Man wants to do, or I can choose to say how wonderful and relaxing the weekend truly was. I can behave like a brat, or I can choose to behave like a loving mom. And the choices I make affect my mood as well as my family's mood. So I choose to be happy.

Creative License

I'm not sure where, some random blog I was probably reading, recommended reading "The Creative License" by Danny Gregory. It was one of those books that I put in my holds list in the library queue and forgot about. Well, it came in and I thumbed through it. The book is beautiful, with illustrations and sketches everywhere. I've never been a big drawer, I took art in school and enjoyed doing the projects, but I was never drawn to have to draw. I feel my creative outlet is in other places, like knitting or making Christmas cards, but it was fun to page through looking at the hand drawn text and I found a few nuggets:

"We are Creations. We must Create. Creation creates Change."

"Procrastination is Great. It helps you avoid failure, judgment, growing pains, testing. It also stops you from experiencing fun, success, learning, growth, connection, and pride. If you must put something off, put off failure. Do that tomorrow. Get going today."

"I AM.
I live on the Earth. I am an earthling.
I eat meat and vegetables. I am an omnivore.
I have a wife. I am a husband.
I have a son. I am a dad.
I scratch my ass. I am an ass-scratcher.
I walk. I am a walker.
I go to movies. I am a moviegoer.
I read. I am a reader.
I take photos. I am a photographer.
I play the guitar. I am a guitarist.
I write. I am a writer.
I draw. I am a draw-er.
I make art. I am an artist."

One of his recommendations, of course, was to create and keep an illustrated journal. And draw in it every day for at least 15 min. But, he also pointed out that everything is drawing - every time you put pen to paper, you are drawing. My to do lists are drawing. That makes me realize that there is no inconsequential act. And why it is important to love the tools you use - my favorite right now is the Sharpie pen. And, my all time favorite, E2 paper. Thank you Mines for making me an E2 addict.

Ridiculous

I didn't post yesterday. And last night as I was in bed, watching the news, I thought "Hey, I didn't blog today" and I almost got out of bed, went downstairs, and posted. But I didn't have anything to say. And, the blog is just for me anyways. So why get out of bed, and write that I didn't have anything to say, when I was the only person who was going to read it anyways? So I didn't. And I'm proud.

But, the thoughts kept running through my head, what a failure, I was going to blog every day and I already missed one, and it's only been like two freaking days, I should just give up. That voice in my head is horrible, and I know it's what's keeping me from many of my "want tos" - I need to get control of that voice. I need to realize that I am my own harshest critic. No one else notices or cares 1/10 of what I think. I cut other people slack, why don't I cut myself any slack? Sheesh.

On Baking Bread

So many posts today, but so many thoughts in my head I wanted to get them down. And it's sooo much faster to type than to write.

One of the blogs I subscribe to, Tales from the Den of Chaos, had a post about baking bread, with a quote about how baking bread or having a loaf of bread in the oven can save a marriage, drop the divorce rate, what have you.

It saves a marriage because the act of making the bread is an investment of time and touch. It’s an act of love. It’s an investment of self into something mundane…and with such things so readily replaced by the automated and outsourced, they have gained even more power than they held when options were few, or none.

I remember whining to The Man about how overwhelmed I was, how I had so much to do, and he kind of snorted a little, and thought about it, and said I don't understand how you can say you have no time, and yet you just made banana bread. And I, of course, got defensive. I enjoy making fresh bread or banana bread or something home made. It's because of what Tama said, it's the investment in self. It's the making something from nothing. It's from smelling that fresh bread baking in the oven and knowing that I made it, and that the family will love it. And that makes me smile, and that makes me happy. And if that means the floor doesn't get swept or the dishes stay in the sink for a while longer while I mix up the bread? Totally worth it.

Gold Stars

One thing that totally hit close to home in "The Happiness Project" was the concept of the Gold Stars. I totally am that way as well. I crave that "attagirl" or praise from anyone, but especially from The Man. When he says "Thank you for dinner" it makes me smile. When he says "I'm almost out of toothpaste" and I tell him there is more in the linen closet, it makes me smile to know that I have provided for my family in some small way. I don't always get the Gold Star from The Man, sometimes when I bring him some food or something to drink while he's on the computer, I leave with a snarky "Thank you, you're welcome" - it makes me feel better in the short term, but really, it's kind of underhanded and mean. I need to stop looking for external Gold Stars. And realize that all of these things, the keeping the linen closet stocked, the baking bread from scratch, those are all things that I want to do, no one else. No one else has that expectation of me. Just me. I can give myself the Gold Star. Or I can quit counting and just be happy.

Stocking up like they aren't going to make any more

I know this is genetic, I totally get it from my mom. But, I have a tendancy to use coupons, go to costco, find the good sale and then stock up. I have literally enough dishwasher soap to last a year. This affects me in two ways:

1. It makes me feel good to know that I won't run out of things and have to run out to the store in a hurry. I never have that "we're out of coffee" feeling of dread.
   
2. It makes me feel overwhelmed to store all this crap. The pantry upstairs is full. The laundry room storage (of which there is a lot) is full. The basement has shelves now, which are full.

This raises many questions in my mind. Do we really need enough dishwasher soap to last until probably the end of 2011? In some respects, it makes sense - if I quit working, it will be one less thing that we have to spend money on. But how realistic is that? Probably not very. It also makes sense to get stuff on sale, as that's just less cash out of pocket - especially for things we need and use every day, like dishwasher and laundry soap. But when is too much, too much?

One of my resolutions will be to "spend mindfully" - indulge in the splurges that make me happy and will bring me joy. But not to buy things just cause they are on clearance or a good deal - if they make me unhappy to trip over or find a place to shove, then they are not worth it. This one will be hard. Shopping is in my DNA. But I want happiness to be there as well!